” We need to stop lying to the young people in our churches, that it will all be just wonderful and blessed if we only just wait”
In truth, sexual incompatibility simply means that something is not working well in your marriage
If your husband had been a virgin, then he wouldn’t be able to compare sex to anyone but you, how would things be different? The problem isn’t what the church (ie. God) teaches about premarital sex. The problem is when we step outside of God’s will for sex and marriage (premarital sex, cohabitation, pornography).
“Sexual incompatibility” problems with my wife originate from my problems. The problem is mine, and mine alone, for allowing myself to be ensnared by society’s idea that porn is okay.
Alan, I know what you’re saying, but I think Alex has a point, too. Sex is NOT always wonderful if you wait, even if you were virgins. I think we need to stop promising them that sex will be explosive on their wedding night, and instead talk about intimacy and a journey of discovery.
That being said, I think what you’re saying about responsibility is 100% right on! I think the problem that many people in Alex’s situation have is that their husbands ARE comparing, and that’s wrong. And to own up to your own responsibility is amazing. I think that’s the route to sexual healing in any marriage, and I pray that you will find it in your own.
Totally. I think that the source of “incompatibility” in my marriage is the learning curve. My husband is more of a “just go for it” type of guy, and I’ve learned that showing him the “moves” that get me in the mood has really helped our sex lives.
I’m so glad you shared this as this is all too frequently becoming an issue even among Christians, and sexual incompatibility is often used as an excuse for divorce. The journey to discovering and understanding my sexual and emotional needs tantan free app within the context of marriage hasn’t always been easy for my husband & I, but it is one well worth exploring, trying, and working through. Just as I believe marriage is worth fighting for, I think great passionate sexual intimacy is worth working toward.
And honestly, that’s quite normal. We all have baggage when we get married, and because our sexuality is so close to our spirituality, it’s deeply personal and harder to deal with than a lot of other conflicts. But that doesn’t mean that we can’t deal with it!
Yet is this really sexual incompatibility–or is it just that they haven’t figured out how to make it feel good yet? Usually it’s the latter, because our bodies were made to feel good together. There’s no reason why they shouldn’t. Sometimes you may have to try different positions to see what feels best, or try more foreplay, but there is no reason why someone can’t learn to make the other feel good.
I totally agree with you that sex is about the US in marriage, not the singular ME
This is a wonderful and informative post. Why do couples think sex should automatically work? It takes effort like anything else for two people to come together. Like you said, there are seasons where things will get in the way. God will see you through those, and the love for your spouse. Love is a miracle that way. Blessings, Kim
Thank you for responding, and for your awesome blog posts. Honestly your response really hit home. Its amazing how in just one comment section you have recognized something that has plagued me on and off (recently a lot) for the last decade. I read the other post that you recommended, and it brought real tears to my eyes. I will try to follow that advice, and continue to pray, and read other great tips. Perhaps one day something will click. As far as reading it with him, I just don’t think that will happen soon. Recently I tried some counseling, in which the subject of his exes came up too. I think he is frustrated that I am having a hard time getting over all this, and really doesn’t want to talk about it anymore. See, we have talked this (and other sexual issues) to death over the years. At this point I feel that all we need is action. So, I am trying to be a better lover myself (honestly, with a couple of kids and all the frustration I had gotten rather lazy too), and am hoping that will make things better, and eventually lead to some actual results. Maybe then once he is feeling really, really loved he can help me with some of my emotional needs. I don’t want to make him sound awful. Though not perfect he is a wonderful man, the perfect father to our children, and carries a lot of hurt from his own past. I know Jesus continues to working in his life too.